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My life, My memory, My dream

is like wearing an angel's mask - generous and kind on the outside, manipulative and full of schemes inside. This is how I feel I am these days. I do things with motives in mind, trying to manipulate people and situations. Why am I not self-controlling?

Don't thank me for what I've done. I did not do it for you, it was for myself. 

I am still an angel, a fallen one. 
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Was browsing through dear's profile, and I had a sudden urge to look at our photos from Phuket trip. Fond memories flooded me during that brief recapping session, and then the next question popped into my mind - should I go to the upcoming Phuket trip with my beloved Step G. friends? My initial reason of not going was because I only went last year (the memories are still so vivid!), but I know going with Step G. will be a total different experience. This trip makes it extra meaningful from any of our other trips we had because it's Step G.'s first overseas trip + it's our last year together. After this, it's gonna be so difficult to have a get-together trip like this... :(


I still remember what I did on last May


Impulsive moment of the day: I logged into Airasia website and almost bought the air tickets to Phuket
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is not an easy thing. If only unwanted memories can be erased from mind - like how I thrashed unwanted files to the bin from the hard disc, deleted songs I'm bored in my playlist, cleared those task lists in my phone. If only thinking of someone / something can be controlled, things wouldn't messed up. If only I could read your mind, I won't end up doing things that weren't supposed to be done. If only you could read my mind, you will know there's so little you need to do to make up my day. If only you could tell me how to communicate with you, what's in your mind - I promise I'll stop playing the guessing game, or maybe stop thinking about you.
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doesn't really works when my heart tells me otherwise. Can my mind have control over my heart? At least for this once...
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The thought of moving out is again in my mind. I've tried to suppress this thought, and yet you brought it back. You always bring it back. You always wanted things to be done your way, and demanding all of us to follow - but how about our way? You never bother to ask about our feelings. And so, finally everyone compromised by trying to avoid you. But, I don't want it to be this way, at least myself won't do it. I'm the only one who are still trying to out up with you, with your endless demands, and trying to pull everyone together. I cannot give up because when I do, everything's gonna fall apart - as I'm the only one trying to hold on. Others are only just ignoring the root of the problem, while some avoid. I am so busy satisfying everyone, catering for others feelings and who's gonna take care of mine?

I am sorry if I couldn't meet your expectations, but did you know that I am more than heartache to see disappointment in your eyes? 
You said we don't care about you, and your heart feels as cold as ice. But, if I don't care... Why do I shed tears? 
Why can't you understand that we are all grown-ups and I have things to think about, stuff to complete. I need a private corner, and you being controlling is not helping.

So much I'm being tolerant, I couldn't deliver my best to you if you keep pushing me to the limits. I don't wanna do something I know I will regret for sure, so please spare me a little space. Just for a breather.

So says who, patience is virtue?


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New year, new background. Pink, ribbons, stripes, and flowers for a change. =)
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This is my 7th year into blogging. Blogging seems to be the perfect (only) place to express my unspoken thoughts, things I've learnt, and untold secrets. The past one year just glided through without me realising how fast time flies.As the old saying goes, "time waits for no man" - I believe so. 

Everytime this year, I set myself in a nostalgic mood, recapping everything that had happened, reminding myself on the mistakes made, and each time I mark an ending on these recollections I tell myself to appreciate people around me no matter what happens. Last year was a difficult year. I had multiple car accidents (although all minor ones, but enough to drove me crazy). I also had bad relationships - from family to friends to personal. There were quarrels, arguments, tears and reconciliation. When it comes to studies, where I thought everything's gonna be fine because this is the only thing I can have control on my own, and yet I failed terribly in doing so. I have to admit that I shed a little too much of tears last year. 

People had been asking me what are my new year resolutions. I tried to sit and think, but I couldn't come up with any and so I've decided I'm not gonna make resolutions for the sake of making them, but I'll have them as the time goes by. I'll just let things flow naturally, and I'll do whatever I want this year - as long as I'm happy with them (even sometimes I need to be a devil). I want to have control of my life, and I'm gonna tell myself "I'll be alright".

Because of all the bad things happened, I realise how simple happiness can be. Reaching to classes early morning safely without car accidents is a thankful event, a normal Sunday family outing is a bliss, late evening chats with my dear is lovely, outings with friends are happening, and having my BFF by my side when I fall is a blessing. Out of so many people, I somehow found comfort in you, in your warm hugs. Thank you bie.

To wrap up the last days of year 2011, the eve eve was spent with my dear. It was after her work and we had late night chattings while it was raining outside. The weather was cold, but our hearts were warm. Thank you dear for have staying by my side for so many years. I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't meet you at all. Thank you.

The eve was spent with my family and my ex. Unexpected. I should say the outing was unexpectedly good. I couldn't remember the last time I felt so relaxed going out with him, really I mean really treating him as a best friend. We talked about the our past, our present, and a little bit our future (separately, of course). I've never thought that broke up couples could hang out like us again, watching fireworks together (with so many other couples with us - I'm guessing we are the only ex couple) and the feeling is incredibly good. To this old friend of mine, you promised me a seat on your wedding day and I'll be counting you on that. Like I've always said you will forever remain as someone a little bit more important than the others, a little bit more special. Thank you for the past.

New year day was spent with my girls. A brief lunch we had, but enough to savour the moments alone in the restaurant with us being the only table. Laughter filled the air as we talked. This is the 4th year we are stepping into our friendship, and I know this will last as long as we live. Thank you honey and dear.

Last but not least, to this first post of year 2012, the people I am most thankful of - my family ♥
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About Me

Hi there! This is a personal space where I pour all my thoughts and mood posts into words. A place of serenity during sleepless midnights, and where I return to look at how far I've come and what had life gave me.



Live well, laugh more, love much. X

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