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My life, My memory, My dream

cause' I've stopped counting the days... No longer thinking how is life without you will be, because there is so much more important things to do. Attended the second wake in a month's time reminds me once again, how fragile life is. If we do not know how to appreciate each other's presence then staying away like now is the best option. Just a random message occasionally is enough for both of us to know that we are doing fine.

Learnt that happiness is not inevitable. Treasuring and appreciating people around me, who are still with me is the right thing to do.
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Couldn't put everything in words, into a post for everything that occurred for the past one year. September last year onwards, I never deleted any of your whatsapp messages, phone texts, facebook messages, emails, and every little memory that we had together. Couldn't count how many messages we have sent - prolly' few hundred thousands of them. These few nights I've been reading back our conversations, trying to figure out how did our friendship developed. How did we let ourselves relied on each other so much - until the extend of making wake-up calls everyday? How did we managed to talked every single day without fail? How did we adapted ourselves to having each other then, and adapt ourselves again without contact today?

Spent some time to browse my timeline today, and then realised alot can happen in a year's time. My favorite part of timeline is when I found a comment or like from you. My heart still skipped a beat when I saw those old comments, as I unfold another memory. Then I spent a little more time to look at those old photos and thought, "Wow.. amazing". We've known for years, and yet our paths didn't really crossed until last year this time. Last year I wasn't blogging about you, and yet this whole year's blog you made the most appearance. But, I know this is not gonna last cause' I'm losing things to blog bout' you anymore. I don't know you like how I knew you before.
如果有一天我們變陌生了,那麼我就重新認識你. Is that even possible?

Sometimes, it's really weird how relationships grow among people. People meet, become close, and until one day it's time for parting ways - although there was this moment where we made promises like "Don't worry, I'll always be here for you". Fact is, we can only stay there as long as we can, but not forever. I'm grateful that in my life, there are some people who just never leave. 
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Adapting is not easy; not easy at all. 
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"Mina... Even when everyone doesn't trust me, u must trust me.. K?"
"Everyone else can think I'm stupid, immature or a bad person.. Only u cannot."
"Dear... I am really sorry if I made u angry or upset.. I tend to do that a lot..."
"I really like you also... But I know one day, sooner or later I'll make you unhappy. I'm afraid of losing you. I'm scared of losing you by making mistakes. I always make mistakes."
"Bie...Don't disappear k... U promised u wont submarine from me.."

All these words played repeatedly in the back of my mind. Like a rewind tape. From the bottom of my heart, I trust you. I believe you even if the whole world denies you. I told myself to ignore your mistakes cause' you told me you tend to make them, unintentionally. I promised I won't go away from you, and yet you forgot everything you've said. Because the one who's leaving is you.

I'm still searching for endless reasons and excuses to convince myself, and then the big bomb dropped.

"Dear, he is no longer that sweet guy who treated you like a princess last time ady."

Yes, I already knew but I need time to accept and digest these emotions. I probably just need a person to tell me out loud like this -- like a real hard slap on the face.

My heart is a heavy rock. Unmoved one.
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and it was enough to pushed me away.

"Sorry, personal matters..."

I couldn't remember the last time you didn't wanna tell me about your personal matters because we were always telling each other everything. You never attempt to hide your feelings in front of me. You scolded and cursed when you were angry, you drank when you were upset, you were vexed when your mood came crashed down, you told me when you missed me... But, these days I don't seem to know what's running in your mind. You don't show your feelings anymore because you seems to be not feeling anything. No happiness, no sadness. Just emptiness, emotionless. We don't talk as frequent as last time, and even if we do talk - we run out of topics so quickly that I think you can't wait to put the phone down and finally say "Goodnight, bie".  

10 days ago, I said I'm leaving you because I don't want to be the one always left behind. The words I typed were slowly blurred. Once the tears started to flow, it wouldn't stop. After finished typing whatever I wanted to say, I cried even harder. It's like I'm really letting go. I don't know if this is what I want. I might just regret the next day when I wake up, I know. 

What you don't realise... For me, knowing everything about you is not necessary, but knowing that you are alright is more important. The more I'm staying away from you, the more I think about you. Wanting to know if you are upset or unhappy at this moment. Wanting to know if you are lonely. Wanting to know if you are forcing a smile in front of others when actually all you want to do is to sleep all day long. 

I think I'm missing you already...

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About Me

Hi there! This is a personal space where I pour all my thoughts and mood posts into words. A place of serenity during sleepless midnights, and where I return to look at how far I've come and what had life gave me.



Live well, laugh more, love much. X

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