This is not a planned date. This is just me wanting to spend an afternoon with you, the last one after a PBL session. We've had 2 semesters of PBL together, and believe me when I said I was feeling really lucky to have you in a group full of strangers. You're like a special appearance during my uni life - unexpected yet important. You came at the last year of our studies, from normal friends and in an instance we became very close. Sometimes, it feels like you can read me without me telling you what's in my mind. We've always had lunch and late afternoon tea together, I think we deserve a mini farewell - just the 2 of us; as work companion, as best friends who share heart-to-heart talks, as master and genie, as dear and bie.
Although the outing is like a usual one, but the feeling in my heart telling me it's an unusual one. This is gonna be the last time, I know. It feels like there's a heavy rock in my heart. An unmoved one. I do not know if I will get used to it in the future without us texting every single day, seeing each other almost each day, and having meals at every other day. Since I do not know, I just want to appreciate the time we spend together, for now.
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| As usual, a bowl is enough for two. |
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| A movie about battle between aliens and the navy |
The movie is quite a nice one, or maybe it's nice because we didn't expect to watch a movie. It was a spontaneous decision. No expectation, hence no disappointment. Or to me, it's nice maybe because I watched it with you.
I thought our night will end after a fulfilling dinner. But, the saying goodbye in car came to a stop when we were asked to to go for drinks (like usual). Again, like last week's routine, we drank, talked, laughed, and played. Again unplanned, we went to Zouk. Things always go crazy when the 4 of us are together, isn't it? With a pounding headache, I still enjoyed the night. Because I'm with my three most favourite people - my bie, my dear, my bro. Because of my headache, I feel that you are pampering me more tonight (I hope I'm not wrong...) You stroked my face gently, patted my head like I'm a small girl, hugged me ever so tightly, lifted me up and turned around twice. We hugged more tonight, because i can't dance much. I need to go slow, really slow cause' the head's gonna explode with the blaring music and blinking lights. I placed my hand on your chest, to feel your heartbeat. I wanna remember this moment. Then only I can detach myself.
I finished Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie last week. In there, it mentioned about feelings and detachment. During the silent hugs we had, I thought of the words in it.
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| Brought me tears with its beautifully written words |
Quoted from the book:
Learn to detach... Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent... But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate fully. That's how you are able to leave it... Take any emotion -- love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions -- if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them -- you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that love entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then you can say, "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment".
Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely -- but eventually be able to say, "All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well."
p/s: I'm not afraid to miss you. No matter how heavy heart I will be, the emotion will be over when I've experienced it.
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