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My life, My memory, My dream

and ironically I love blogging at rush hour like this. I seem to feel more de-stress, more relaxed when i am writing in my comfort zone. It's always this way --- all problems come at once, when there are busy schedule and tight deadlines. There are reports and presentations, assignments, quizzes and early mornings wake-ups. The ending is coming, and I shall survive. 


p/s: Despite all the busy work, I still think of you. Even when the brain is free for a second. IMY.
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The dictionary says it's something coming without warning, unforeseen, surprisingly. I guess I've never really encounter something unexpected until tonight. I was thinking of all possibilities, but never thought that the problem is such a huge one. It is something that you will remember for life, even if it's solved. It is something which will leave a scar even the wound healed. How could that have happened? The only thing I could afford after knowing the truth was opening my mouth with no words out from me. This is not something I can comment or give opinions on. This is beyond my expectation, beyond my help. All I can say is, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry that I couldn't provide help even I am begged to. 

The heart sank for a moment, and the brain refused to process.
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doesn't seems to be a problem when your messages came at the right time, when me needed comfort - although you are 9000 miles away. You said you will send me all your love from far, and I melted right away with just a picture you sent. "That was a trick, you sneaky boy!" I said. And you said I'm silly. You always know the right way to lift the curve of my mouth, don't you? :)

I have to admit, it's my fault to only think of you when you sweet talk me. Not real, I know but me like it. 
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It was a hasty decision. Dear asked if I would like to go for a short trip in Cameron, with the condition I've got to skip Friday and Saturday classes. I normally don't go absent for trips - I've burned air tickets for many times. However, this time my heart said I should go, I need this getaway. I need a breather badly. On the very last minute, I texted her and said I'm joining, and then I packed my bag. I've decided to just do whatever I wanted at that moment, and didn't bother to tell anyone where I was heading (except my family, of course). 

I'm glad I made the decision to go. It's always interesting and fun to make new friends, and see new things. But, it's even more fun to get a brief escape from the harsh reality. On a cold night like this, I've come to miss you out of so many people. I miss the way you hug me to sleep, brushing off the strands of hair on my face. I miss you telling me that everything's gonna be alright, I'm not alone. I wish you were here. 


It is this view that I love the most - if only you were there


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I've never had this feeling before. My heart shudders in a sudden. It's like a really really bad thing is gonna happen, but I don't know what is it. Please don't let my feelings control me. Please tell me that I'm thinking too much. I need sleep, maybe. To sleep this bad omen away. 

p/s: I'll be away. Miss me when I'm gone.
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I don't mind if you come and read whatever I write - I mean if I am to have a blog, of course there will be blog readers. I expect people to read my status and comments from fb, and my tweets too. But, reading and knowing for yourself is all you need to do. Don't you ever judge me from my writings and come asking me.

I'll tell if I want to. 
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Late afternoon chat which leads to this epic conversation,

Me: Dear, do you think you can live without me?
You: Of course, just that it's more difficult.
Me: Totally agree. There's no one person who can't live without another in this world; it's only the matter of leading a more difficult life.
You: Yea.. It'll be hard to live without you...
Me: It's hard for me to live without you too. =)

So, tell me if it's gonna be hard for you to be in this world without me.
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when my family thinks that I'm with my friends, and my friends think that I'm at home... But the fact is I'm here all alone searching for the tranquility for my disturbed mind these days. 


I feel at ease...
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...not so fine, when there's more silence than talking. If only I could look through your eyes and understand you even without words exchanged. But, I couldn't do that. Your genie can only do this much - to call and say hi. I said I'll give up, and you asked "giving up so easily?". Well, it's not easy really. As much as I wanted to stay by your side, like how you stood by me when I thought I hit the floor hard, or when I decided to shun myself from the outside world - you are slowly creating distance between us. 

I said I'll ignore you, but you replied with a mere "Oh". I expected that from you even before I said those words, but a little part in me wish that you would at least be upset or angry or even demand a why from me because it at least proves that you are feeling something, that you are not as lifeless as I see you these days. But then again, I know you too well to not do that. 

Months ago, we had the same conversation. I asked if I leave, will you be heavy-hearted, you said you will. Today, I asked you the same question but the answer came as you will just lead life the same. At that time, tears came to my eyes because I do not know someone can trust me as much. Today, tears too came, realising that I've not made a change in you. I am sorry. 


p/s: You've changed me. Although only a little, I am thankful for that.


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Isn't it lovely to discover this pinned on the notice board secretly by your beloved one on a gloomy morning? Isn't it a motivation to start your day ahead thinking that someone out there cares if you smile or not today?  

For you my dear, I've smiled =)

I can smile, even if it's not easy at times.


Thought of the day: How sad if you are my only reason to smile now...
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It's not easy to find a bunch of crazieeee friends, and it's even harder to get them kind and loyal despite being crazy. How could i not count my blessings if I own them, knowing they will be here if I need them. I couldn't count the number of times we had a gathering / party like this. But, I could count the number of times left for us to spend together. The day we met felt like yesterday, and in a blink of an eye... Graduation day is approaching. How many times more can we organise something like this?


Happpiieee Burffday, honeybee! =)

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It's the water dragon year! Very quickly, CNY 2012 ended with me writing this while fireworks boom-ing outside my house. CNY is always about family, however there's a little too much of drama going on this year. Despite all this family feud, I find myself enjoying although not throughout the whole holiday, but most of it. CNY is about spring-cleaning, reunion, having feast, and gambling. 

Wednesday (18/1), the night I had reunion dinner with Step G. This will be our last reunion dinner together as next year this time, we will all be in different places with different people. This is life, I guess. People move on leaving memories behind. No matter what happens, Step G. forever remains a family whom I'll never forget. 




'Lou sang' - huat ahhh!


Friday (20/1) was the last day of work and school. Reunion dinner with the high school mates at Purple Cane Restaurant. Again, I had 'lou sang' with them plus a few rounds of after-dinner drinks. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that we had left high school for 7 years already.  From carefree young teens to adults now with more responsibilities on the shoulders. I miss the high school life, without problems and never-ending laughter. Those were the best days in my life...


The only group photo =)


Sunday (22/1) is the day before CNY, the day I love the most - with family feast and temples-visiting. It is this time every year that all cousins come back home for reunion dinner, and catching up on stories of life we have missed on each other. As we grow older, lesser people made it to come back because most have family on their own. This tells me that I should appreciate time with the family, as when years gone by, I too will have a family of my own.


Monday (23/1), and the CNY starts. Everyday is about meeting the cousins, and going to relatives' place to 'bai nian'. Everynight is about movies and gambles. How I wish holidays do not end too soon, but wishes are always not realistic, no? 




The promise: I missed you like how you wanted me to.


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I don't feel myself lately. I am happy at this second, then depressed at the next. I am constantly in need of other people and things to distract my attention. I am very much toned-down these days, not as excited as before. I don't jump in joy screaming even if I'm really, like really happy. Smile is the only one thing I can afford. 

I was not aware of how emotional I am these days until when I was driving back home alone at late night. It was already midnight, that night when I was driving on an unfamiliar road, praying that I would not lost my way. But, it seems the more I fear, the chances of getting lost are higher. And finally, a wrong turning puts me into a place which I've never been before. I couldn't recognize the road ahead of me. I continued driving at a slow speed, searching for signboards. Then, I felt a lump in my throat and I know tears are gonna flow if I don't stop it in time. I stopped the tears from flowing and continued driving for another 30 minutes before I finally recognize my way home.

Until now, I still couldn't figure out why I had that sudden urge of tears welling in my eyes. I always get lost while driving (and never felt a thing) but why this time am I so fragile. I am usually not a timid person, am I? 
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About Me

Hi there! This is a personal space where I pour all my thoughts and mood posts into words. A place of serenity during sleepless midnights, and where I return to look at how far I've come and what had life gave me.



Live well, laugh more, love much. X

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