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My life, My memory, My dream

Recently, I've been thinking bout' you quite frequent. It's like a bad habit that comes back after a long long time. Prolly' I had been too busy to attend to the thoughts in the back of my head, and then now my work has gradually slowed down its speed with reduced stress - hence the thoughts that have stayed behind for long is resurfacing. It's annoying yet at the same time reminiscing those happy days. 

Had a silent battle within myself whether I should just pick up the phone and call you straight. But then again, the answer is no, I shall not do that. As time goes by, it seems it's a lil' easier to make that decision compared to the last time. I guess the day that I will eventually lost the urge to call you will come, cause' the day feels near already.

IMY

  
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Just realized that last year almost Christmas I wrote bout' you, and then now again I'm here writing bout' you again. No more about "last Christmas I gave you my heart...." cause' now it's another year passed. 

So the heart has not really stop missing you, just sometimes temporarily forgets.

Merry Xmas bie, you've said.
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It's so easy to think of you, even after all these while. Just a mere mention of your name sends a signal to my brain and all memories start to unfold themselves again. Had a night's chat with dear and told her that she should let go and come clean. Then I start asking myself too, have I completely let you go too? Answer is maybe not. Cause' I start to miss talking to you again, get curious on how you are doing recently, and wonder if there's even a second that I actually crossed your mind. *sigh*
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If you could hold on to just one memory, what would it be? I couldn't decide cause' there are too many to be called as favorites (from a kid until full-grown now). But, if you ask me what is the one memory between us that I want to reminisce, then I know the answer to it without a doubt. That would be the first time when you held my hand in the car, almost dawn, coaxing me to have some sleep before we reach the bottom of the hill. The gentle move of your hand tucking the strands of hairs behind my ear, touching my face lightly while telling me softly that everything's gonna be fine. That you'll be here for me. Although it was only hands-holding and a few slight touches of my face, this means so much more than all the hugs we've had, cause' the warmth and care shown was genuine. 

This is the memory of us that played in the back of my mind when I watched the MV of this song. Wasn't the most impressive animation I've come across, but definitely touched my heart deeply.




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"5 years... I hope we can go out for Gongcha again :)"
"If Gongcha haven't close shop. I wonder where will we be after 5 years. Maybe we should set a date or something if we do lose contact. Meet one day at one place  say like... 5 years later?"
"Hmmm... 10/2/2016? 5 years seems so long"
"Choose an easier date. We both can't remember wei."
"XD 15/5?" 
"So u'll come bringing me pressie too?"

In the end, decided to skip choosing any dates cause' we were sure we will always be keeping in touch. But, things didn't turn out like how we thought. A little more than a year after that conversation, we stopped looking for each other.  

10650 messages, how did we managed that?
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Expired.

The person told me that my car wash member card needs renewal. So, it has been a year. Last year, the day when we were supposed to have a simple study date spoiled by a car accident and ended up in the police station. The day you stood with me under the drizzle and argued with the man who deliberately knocked into my car, and held my hand tightly in the police station cause' I was too scared, and finally paid for the membership renewal fees just to have that 3 layers polish to make the scratch looks less visible. I couldn't accept your money like that, so I insisted to pay on my own. You gave in by letting me only paying half. 

Already tired out with this unexpected event, but on the same night promised to go out drinking with the cousin sister, and a long time friend. Couldn't say no cause' the friend was gonna bring her boyfie and friends to introduce to us. 

"How's it there? Ok ma? Fun?"
"Boreddddddd. Miss u dy"
"How come -.-"
"Well... A bunch of strangers"
"Miss me oh.. Real or nt de..."
"U don't believe me oh. Don't wanna miss u dy"
" :((((( "
" :(((( "
" :(( "
"Let u miss me"
"Miss u.. Haiz"

Time passed. Your message came again.

"Bie, u better take care and go back early.. Now already 1 20"
"Bie... At last I also drank, but not much. Only a glass"
"-.- a glass... How big? Beer or shot? U ok?"
"I think I'm okay"
"U better have an early night bie... Drive slow k. Slooowly :)"

Back then, we said we missed each other. You made sure I make it back home safely if I'm out late night. Only a glass of drink made you worried. The care you showed were so sincere and real, that's why I still sometimes miss the old you, the old us.

However, not only the card, but our relationship too, expired.


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One of those moody nights again, and your words kept appearing. 

"I'll always be here for you", you said. 
"Don't worry, I'm always here de", you told me. 
"Sayang.. I told you I'll always be here for you", you emphasized.
"Seriously dear... It's ok de.. I'm here", you assured me for the Nth time.

Because of the many times you told me so, I began to rely you more and more when I'm upset, unhappy or when I had problems. You encouraged me during my downfall, told me it's alright and everything's gonna be fine, sacrificed sleep and talked to me until morning when I couldn't shut my eyes, horrified that bad dreams would came. 

After so long, tonight I had the sudden urge to call you again. To tell you that I'm in a dilemma, feeling upset and moody. And then, I decided whatever happened to me shouldn't have anything to do with you. I swallowed that urge to call, together with the lump that formed in my throat. I can handle my own tears now; without you comforting me at the end of the phone line - only to hang up after you are sure my tears dried and I can finally go to sleep in peace. 

 
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Time flies. One year has gone. I've watched Breaking Dawn part 2. Again, like last year I've missed the front part cause' I was late to the cinema. After one whole year, I finally went and search for part 1 and watched what we've missed. The most romantic part, the wedding, the vow.

"Super late for movie laa.. Jam jam jam"
"Hahahaha.. Its really ok.. Movie not that important to me.. Its spending time with u."

So there you've said it. The movie wasn't important cause' I know you never really like Twilight. Which guy does seriously. I'm the reason that you bought the tickets to this show. I remembered asking you, will we be able to watch part 2 together. You said we will, you promised that we will.

Now, I've watched the ending without you. I wonder if you will watch it cause' you never like this movie. Or prolly' you will watch it, holding another girl's hand this time like how you held mine, and she resting her head on your shoulder like how I did. 


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Last year (around) this time,

You were supposed to be here with me, with us for drinks. But, you had to get back to hometown immediately.
"I'll contact u de... Busy or not, I will msg or call u de... :)"
And you did.

When I was drinking,
"U take care k. Later if u cannot... Msg me, den keep msging"
"I will be alright, I promise. I don't wanna take up all ur time"
"Ish.. I've plenty of time de. Still got extra time for oso for u"
And so, I stopped drinking.

Had gastric post-alcohol effect,
":("
"Why the sad face?"
"Unhappy"
"How can I help?"
"U're helping le.."
"Did I helped? When oh?"
"By msging me and eating smt"
"Just now u said got sth important to do de? No need acc me eat de"
"Doing. Right now ^^. Msging u laa"
"Why u don't sleep? Ur friend sleeping dy"
"Waiting for u"
The gastric pain subsided, and I slept with a smile.

2 nights later, went to the club without you. Kept you worried in a batt-deprived state, finally used up the last 5% batt on me. After 12 hours,
"Hey.. Juz reached home /_\"
"U didn't sleep at all. It's time for u to get a long long shower then sleep for hours"
"Yeah... Gonna.. Msg u first ma.. Reach home straight charge hp"
So, you've missed me.

And why do I remember this particular day? Cause' it's the day you lost a very good friend, a day I thought I'm gonna lose you. 


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I wonder why I'm doing this. To read and recap all conversation between us. 
Prolly' cause' Christmas is near, prolly' cause' we don't talk anymore, or prolly' cause' I'm slowly forgetting you and I dislike that. 
By the time I reach an end of our conversation, maybe that's the time I'll be ready to put all these memories behind and then slowly forget them bit by bit. Just not now, yet. 

"Tell me, what will you do if there's many you?"
"I'll make everyone I care for happy"

If this is real, then maybe one of the many you will stay by side now. Just one would be enough. 
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It's the moment when memories sink in,
the moment when I start missing things and people from the past,
the moment when I wish I can travel back in time, to experience that same days, that same place, that same person, that same warmth, and to see the same smile.
.
.
.
.
It's also the same moment which vanished completely the next morning I wake up.
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Couldn't put everything in words, into a post for everything that occurred for the past one year. September last year onwards, I never deleted any of your whatsapp messages, phone texts, facebook messages, emails, and every little memory that we had together. Couldn't count how many messages we have sent - prolly' few hundred thousands of them. These few nights I've been reading back our conversations, trying to figure out how did our friendship developed. How did we let ourselves relied on each other so much - until the extend of making wake-up calls everyday? How did we managed to talked every single day without fail? How did we adapted ourselves to having each other then, and adapt ourselves again without contact today?

Spent some time to browse my timeline today, and then realised alot can happen in a year's time. My favorite part of timeline is when I found a comment or like from you. My heart still skipped a beat when I saw those old comments, as I unfold another memory. Then I spent a little more time to look at those old photos and thought, "Wow.. amazing". We've known for years, and yet our paths didn't really crossed until last year this time. Last year I wasn't blogging about you, and yet this whole year's blog you made the most appearance. But, I know this is not gonna last cause' I'm losing things to blog bout' you anymore. I don't know you like how I knew you before.
如果有一天我們變陌生了,那麼我就重新認識你. Is that even possible?

Sometimes, it's really weird how relationships grow among people. People meet, become close, and until one day it's time for parting ways - although there was this moment where we made promises like "Don't worry, I'll always be here for you". Fact is, we can only stay there as long as we can, but not forever. I'm grateful that in my life, there are some people who just never leave. 
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"Mina... Even when everyone doesn't trust me, u must trust me.. K?"
"Everyone else can think I'm stupid, immature or a bad person.. Only u cannot."
"Dear... I am really sorry if I made u angry or upset.. I tend to do that a lot..."
"I really like you also... But I know one day, sooner or later I'll make you unhappy. I'm afraid of losing you. I'm scared of losing you by making mistakes. I always make mistakes."
"Bie...Don't disappear k... U promised u wont submarine from me.."

All these words played repeatedly in the back of my mind. Like a rewind tape. From the bottom of my heart, I trust you. I believe you even if the whole world denies you. I told myself to ignore your mistakes cause' you told me you tend to make them, unintentionally. I promised I won't go away from you, and yet you forgot everything you've said. Because the one who's leaving is you.

I'm still searching for endless reasons and excuses to convince myself, and then the big bomb dropped.

"Dear, he is no longer that sweet guy who treated you like a princess last time ady."

Yes, I already knew but I need time to accept and digest these emotions. I probably just need a person to tell me out loud like this -- like a real hard slap on the face.

My heart is a heavy rock. Unmoved one.
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and it was enough to pushed me away.

"Sorry, personal matters..."

I couldn't remember the last time you didn't wanna tell me about your personal matters because we were always telling each other everything. You never attempt to hide your feelings in front of me. You scolded and cursed when you were angry, you drank when you were upset, you were vexed when your mood came crashed down, you told me when you missed me... But, these days I don't seem to know what's running in your mind. You don't show your feelings anymore because you seems to be not feeling anything. No happiness, no sadness. Just emptiness, emotionless. We don't talk as frequent as last time, and even if we do talk - we run out of topics so quickly that I think you can't wait to put the phone down and finally say "Goodnight, bie".  

10 days ago, I said I'm leaving you because I don't want to be the one always left behind. The words I typed were slowly blurred. Once the tears started to flow, it wouldn't stop. After finished typing whatever I wanted to say, I cried even harder. It's like I'm really letting go. I don't know if this is what I want. I might just regret the next day when I wake up, I know. 

What you don't realise... For me, knowing everything about you is not necessary, but knowing that you are alright is more important. The more I'm staying away from you, the more I think about you. Wanting to know if you are upset or unhappy at this moment. Wanting to know if you are lonely. Wanting to know if you are forcing a smile in front of others when actually all you want to do is to sleep all day long. 

I think I'm missing you already...

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Terms and Conditions: Section 5.3 Paragraph 2:
Clubs-visits must be accompanied by 'you'. From the 'you-me' agreement.

It might be only me who remembers this, hence I am trying to adhere to this as much as possible - although I know there's no need for it. You'd probably think I'm silly but a promise is a promise. I wouldn't wanna break it until the day when I couldn't keep it anymore.

Just don't like it when you are not by my side when we are in the club (probably you hugging other people also) 
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Yes. It's the last, I know. Cause' you and I both knew that you won't stay forever. I wanted you to remember the moment when our hands touched, the way we held them, the gentle strokes I left on your hand. And so, I gathered all the courage I had and said "I want you to remember the feeling of us holding hands, and bury it deep down in your heart forever" before I took your hand. As gently as you always are, you slipped your hand into mine. That was all I needed at that moment, a piece of memory for us to reminisce in the future. 

It's time to let you go. Some people just never belongs to me. Never was, never will. And you are one of them. 
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I knew this day will come, when we were getting really close. The day when we would finally sit and talk about us. I'm more ready to talk, and listen to you after I drink. I kinda expected what you will  tell me, and yet I need the alcohol effect to give me more courage. You told me I was not sober, I said "I'm super sober". Because if I don't, I won't be able to remember every single word you said on that night. 

Our conversation that night, our confessions to each other made my heart sank bit by bit. Yes, i think I'm losing you. You're losing me. Maybe not for long, but at this short term where you and I needed a space to breathe. You never wanna lose me you said. I never wanna see you leave I said. But, how honest were we that night? Honesty, you told me is an important thing. You told me about your family, about trust. You once told me before that you have shown me your true feelings so much more compared to what you have shown others, because you have trust issues. And then, now I wonder will you still be able to show me your feelings honestly after our conversation that night?

All our words were still in the back of my mind. I can accept every word from you, I can understand what you've been thinking. I can rationalise your actions. I can be what you want me to be. Until the next morning came, you've showed me how little you can do for me, when I can do so much for you.

"Dear... I am really sorry if I made u angry or upset... I tend to do that a lot.."
"I really like u also... But I know one day, sooner or later I'll make u unhappy. I'm afraid of losing u. I'm scared of losing u by making mistakes. I always make mistakes"

The reason why I can still uphold my trust in you, is because of the messages you've sent me before. The way you said it, so sincere that I want to believe in you. But again, not because you've warned me before that you will make me unhappy one day means I deserve to be hurt. So, keep your promise that you will forever be afraid to lose me. 


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for me no matter what happens. You said. I thought of the days when you stayed for me, telling me how much you missed me while you were away, and finally came back for me. You must have liked me a lot back then, don't you? 

And now, it's my turn to like you a little too much. Cause' I couldn't really pass one day without having you cross my mind. 
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if you are missing me. Cause' I'm missing you already.

For you, with  ♥

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...to be where you are at now, simply because I miss you.

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About Me

About Me

Hi there! This is a personal space where I pour all my thoughts and mood posts into words. A place of serenity during sleepless midnights, and where I return to look at how far I've come and what had life gave me.



Live well, laugh more, love much. X

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