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My life, My memory, My dream

It is one of those moody nights again, where I'm checking in here to write a #moodpost. Can't believe it's already more than a month since we last talked. I've imagined a hundred, perhaps a thousand times on how we would eventually lost in touch, however this is not something I would expect - cold turkey. It was an ordinary day, and it only took a few lines to stop all the communication we had before. 

It takes only days to develop a bad habit, however a much longer time to break that off. Seeing each other for 5 times a week, and daily texts for the past one year is like a bad habit for me. No matter whether it shines or rains, I would always turn to you. Only after you left,  I realize I've been relying on you that much. I knew I shouldn't have depended on someone impermanent in my life. Knowing that you will leave someday but somehow didn't stopped myself from doing so.

When it first happened, I was disappointed in you. However, later I learned that feelings of disappointment stem from having expectations of another person that go unfulfilled. So, it could have been me. I shouldn't have thought we were different, shouldn't have expected otherwise. Maybe we were never on the same page on how bonding works.

Perhaps the days were so fine, and you provided such comfort that I just let myself being taken care of. Perhaps the memories were so wonderful that it's hard to let them go, and to even think of them to be happening again would be too wishful. Perhaps, just perhaps one day all these will past.
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When I was younger, I imagined that 2020 is a year where cars will fly, domestic maids are replaced by AIs. There would be UFOs, and people might actually travel to the moon. That's what the teachers taught us to imagine when we were to write an essay on "Vision 2020".

Nothing of the above turned out to be true, instead we were slapped by Covid-19 pandemic. A real tight slap in our faces and suddenly everything comes to a halt. Now that the most anticipated year has arrived, I'm just another year older - waiting for miracles to happen, dreams to be realized. While the whole nation is slowing down our paces to fight the virus, trying to flatten the curve, here I found some free time to write.

2019 had been a roller-coaster ride. Ups, downs and ended quickly like a flash. Had a few trips with family and friends, looked into a different side of the world  - spent quality time and took time to rest and recharged. Bonded well with my adventurous bunch and took up hiking as weekend activity. As much as I hate hiking, I love spending time with these people as they always give me the most positive vibes and telling me nothing is really impossible. I've come to like working out sessions and feeling the endorphins release gives me much satisfaction. Went for diving again after 6 years, reunited with long-time friends are all sweet encounters. 

Of course, life is not always beautiful. Work had been a pain this year. Too much of politics, and too much of favoritism. Waking up to work daily became a hateful routine, however things were made easier with my housemates around. Daily cooking session became the only thing I looked forward to on working days. I guess it's really time to leave Temerloh. Everything has come to a plateau and there's not much job satisfaction these days. 

Opened up my heart and believed in something again only to be brought down to disappointment. I've read before somewhere that we should indulge and embrace our feelings for it says if we fully experience those feelings then detachment is possible. I'm someone who doesn't like parting with a memory in my life, but sometimes holding makes the heart heavy. 

2020, you've been quite harsh as you came along. However, I'm ready for all you have in store. Bring it on! 

"I think part of growing up is learning how to sit down the floor with all your things and figuring out what to take with you and what to leave behind." - Hannah Brencher 

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I am really bad at farewells. Although I went through this for multiple times, yet I never learn how to detach. Knowing things are impermanent, I still cling onto things / people / moments that won't last. 

"The two hardest things to say in life is hello for the first time and goodbye for the last." - Moira Rogers. 
I remember the first day when you came into office, and back in my head I thought "What an arrogant guy". Never I thought you will become my housemate and turned out to be the closest person to me here. 

After two years of the same routine of going work, off work, lunch and cooking dinners together - it's time for you to leave. I never knew the true meaning of housemates, not until you and boo moved in and there we started eating in instead of searching for outside food. How time flies, it felt just like yesterday when you first moved in. Two years, the changes seems insignificant but you've always tried to show me the positive side of yours, even though you might not be feeling it. Vice versa, I hope I made a positive impact in this short chapter of your life too.

Like you said, all good things must come to an end. You've once told me that you will always be grateful for me no matter at which corner of the world we are at in the future, and wants me to know that you will never rub away this piece of memory of us.  

My dramatic housemates, my strength pillars

Omg Omg Omg


Piggg, thank you for the 
- 100 home cooked meals
- 150 walks back home together
- 6 months of night shift company, where you made dinner and accompanied me on the walk back during midnight

"It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life, starts with goodbye." - Carrie Underwood. 
I'm really glad one of us is actually leaving this place for a better good. 
And, if we are to meet again someday, I wish for it to be a sunny day. 
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This is me checking in on one of those rare nights, not sleeping and typing away my thoughts. I once used to write so much, pouring out all my feelings / thoughts into comprehensible words so that one day when I come back to this little hideout of mine - I know exactly what I had been through. Writing during midnight calms me, and if not straighten out my messy thoughts.

Life's not always sunshine and rainbows, I know. But what I do not know is how to weather the storm before rainbows appear. People always say, if life throws lemons at you, you make lemon juice. But exactly how easy it is to make lemon juice? What’s the perfect recipe to make it less sour and bearable and if can a little bit sweeter? Always easier said than done, no?

Everytime when we think we have stopped believing, and are done with broken hearts and disappointments - and again, we let ourselves down. To always love, and in hopes of being loved, only to be shown that all these are wishful thinking, too-beautiful dreams that we are reluctant to wake up from. 

But isn’t this life? To be always caught up in a cycle of healing and breaking, falling and standing up tall again. It’s a journey of good and bad times, happy and sad days. For there’s no rain, the sun won’t shine. Till’ then I’ll be mending my broken heart until the next right one comes along. 

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Time again, waits for no one. 
Can't believe that I only wrote a single post for year 2016. 

I've always like to pen down my thoughts and experiences so that I can always read them again and oftenly I have a different feeling / opinion from what I've felt previously. 

Though' I didn't manage to write down everything, but last year indeed was a fulfilling and enjoyable ride. I was grateful to be blessed with all the good and beautiful things, with all my loved ones around. 

If I were to mention one sad moment - that is the passing of grandma. Her passing was the lost of the entire family. The pain of losing her was greatly felt by my mum, who fell sick and cried for days. The last time I lost someone as close was almost 13 years ago, when grandpa left us suddenly, just 2 weeks before Chinese New Year. Through them, I learnt bout' family and unity. And thanks to them I'm sharing a strong bond with my cousins. I guess grandparents have done all they can for us, and lived most of their lives. Grandma would have met grandpa by now - and they are prolly' looking at us, making sure all of us are fine. 


P/s: Maybe I should make "updating my blog weekly" one of my resolution for Year 2017 😛

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to leave
to grow up on my own
to learn about being independent.

That was my thoughts one and a half year ago. 

I do not know anything about moving out, because this is my first time. But,  it proved that this is the perfect distance to move out. Enough to gain independence and freedom, and sufficient to run back home crying if I miss home too much. It is only a 2 and a half hours drive (oops, sometimes I only need an hour and a half)

While I was here, the only thing I think about is leaving. And finally, when I've decided to hand in my transfer letter requesting to be back home - there's a tiny twinge of hesitation. It's time to do so because I've always believed that when I am in a comfort zone, then I should move out and challenge new things again.

No more counting down,
Cause I'm still here at Temerloh - the small town where I've met some kind people, made some really good friends and the place I've grown to be comfortable with.

Till' then I will wait for my next destination while serving as much as I can here. 

p/s: After such long time, the first post in this 366 days. 
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About Me

About Me

Hi there! This is a personal space where I pour all my thoughts and mood posts into words. A place of serenity during sleepless midnights, and where I return to look at how far I've come and what had life gave me.



Live well, laugh more, love much. X

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