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My life, My memory, My dream

The day for you to leave has finally arrived. 3 months earlier, I knew you were going to leave on this day. And yet, at that moment I didn't really feel that you are leaving until now... We have been spending so much time together, hanging out like there's no tomorrow - might be because we were bored... or I knew I am gonna miss you going out with you when you leave. In just a blink of eye, 3 months passed by very quickly.

When you told me where you are leaving for, I've google and checked out the place. For me, it's far, it's unfamiliar.. it's deserted. Until now, I couldn't understand why you choose to work there. But again, it's all for your own good - so I am giving you all my best wishes.


These few days I've been too busy and doesn't really have time to keep in touch with you. I don't know if I will cry when I see you off at the airport later, I don't know if I will be very upset or not.. I don't know if my heart will feels like it has gone empty somewhere when I see your back leaving...


But, what I know is.. I am gonna miss your company for a long long time.


All the best to you, my dear friend. We will meet again when the time comes =)
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It's more than weeks since I had a good night's sleep... I am so used to sleeping for only 5 hours max a night, and this is driving me crazy! My skin's deteriorating - no joke! I can't make myself look into the mirror every morning I wake up... Because I will shock myself with me dark eye circles... @.@

And why this is happening?? All because of my course; it's taking up ALL my time. And when I say all, it really means all. My time is devoted to never-ending quizzes, assignments, lab reports, school events... And the list goes on.


Can't wait for the month to end... Can't wait for the holidays to greet me... Can't wait to go for a super-relaxing trip with my dear.. We need a great escape - from the tight dead-lines, from the usual routine, from the boring life, from the harsh reality...


So, please SET ME FREE!!!
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It's time to make some changes - may it be minor or major ones...

I've always thought being kind and helpful, being nice is the way a person should be, at least myself have to be one. And I've let myself to live like that for the past many many years. However, only recently I realised, being like this makes me a person without principles and gradually losing myself. I say "Yes" easily, and can never make myself to say "No". People are taking me for granted and usually I am the one ended up hurting alone.


I sometimes do wonder and thought of raising this question "Why do you like to bully me so much? Why do you like to tease me so much?" But at last, I didn't do so... Because I know the answers I receive will be useless ones.


I do not want to be a person without dignity nor without principles, so this is the right time to show people out there what I've got in me... When I do not fight back, it does not mean I am defeated.. It just simply means that I do not want to fight. But if I do, I could be very harsh too... And that's the side I've been hidden for such a long time....
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Time passes by each day by day, waiting for none of us... And this tells me that you are leaving soon. Sometimes, I will imagine life without you, and no matter how I think of it, life seems to be a little bit lonely without you with us.

I realised the more I hang out with you, I start to pick up your habits, and liking things that you like. If I could find one thing in common between us, I will be overjoyed - finally there's something coincident which I do not have to adapt from you. Even sometimes I talk and act like you do, without me learning them in purpose. This must be because of our frequent meetings recently... We can meet up to 5 times a week!!

Although I will take a long long time to get myself used to your leaving, I still hope that you leave. Your leaving is a turning point to quite a few of us. Maybe not many, but at least is it for you and me.

I will learn how to overcome problems when you are not around.
I will learn how to survive boredom in classes without your texts and funny mms-es.
I will learn how to go to places I don't know without you being the human-GPS
I will learn how to eat alone when I couldn't find a makan companion during the very last minute - as you always appear no matter what time I call....
I will learn how not to get sleepy when I am driving back home alone - since I can't talk to you on the phone anymore.. maybe I should try using toothpicks to open my eyes!

And.. most importantly, I will learn how to be self-motivating when you are not around to lift up my mood...
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It is my habit to walk down the memory lane when each year ends.

This year I'll make an exception because, I couldn't remember what happened in the past one year as you are the only one I can think of in mind now... And the fact that you are leaving is making things worse.
We have been going out a lot recently, and each time we made it a point to keep that a secret due to many reasons. No matter what the reasons are, being with you tells me that I am still important as you have chosen me to share your secrets with. After knowing everything about you, I finally feel that I really know you, as a person in and out. I couldn't make myself distance away from you today - at the very first day of the new year. Because I know this will be the last time we will be together alone. Again, you told me to keep this as a secret between us, and this time I intend to do so myself too. Because, I feel this is a moment that we should share together, alone... Sitting beside you, hearing what you have to say, laughing at silly jokes, discussing about recent pictures are memories enough to last for the moments when you are away. Your sudden announcement about your leaving nights ago made me realised that I have been relying too much on you... I have to start adapting to life without you. I always hate goodbyes especially with my close friends, but again.. your leaving is all for your own good so I will pray for all the best for you. Because of you, I was reluctant to bid farewell to 2010. I need more time to prepare myself to stay away from you, and need time to stop myself from thinking of you the first thing when I am dealing with any obstacles or problems. And today, I told myself... The first day of the year will be the last time I spend quiet moments with you. This is the day I will do less talking and listen more to you, so that I remember how your voice sounds like... This is the day I will look you at you more in the eye, so that I remember how honest you are to me... This is the day I will laugh together with you, so that I remember how happy your face is... Thank you for spending those moments with me. With these, I am finally ready to say goodbye to 2010 and welcome 2011 with new resolutions. I promise, you will see a new me when you come back again. =)
A moment belongs to only both of us...
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She made an appearance in your life.

Seeing her together with you, made me felt a pang of jealousy in my heart.

Seeing her sitting in your car made me realised I'm not the only one in your life anymore.

Seeing her sharing food + drinks with us made me felt threatened.

Seeing her almost at every outing of ours tells me that although she's new but she's standing in an equal position as I am.

Ever since that night, I became very possessive of you..

I realised I think of you more often than before...

I wish to know what you are doing every day, every moment...

I wish that I could cross your mind too - even if it's not frequent...

I wish I could read your mind, so that I can stop guessing...

I wish you could give me some hints so that I wouldn't think too much...

Everytime my message tone beeps, I hope it was you, and at times you didn't disappoint me - it was you!

Everytime listening to your voice when you called, I just couldn't get enough of it... Time seems to pass faster talking to you...

Everytime I saw your face, I felt like it was the first time knowing you - as you had too many secrets within you...

Everytime during our outings, no matter with many friends around, or left only you and me - I always felt there's only you with me. Without you, life seems a little bit too lonely.

I drink what you like to drink.

I eat what you like to eat.

I listen to songs that you are listening to.

Whatever you say say is always right, and gradually became stupid in front of you.

However, as you and her becoming closer, things become clearer.

I think I can adapt well in life even without you.

I think I can even do better with giving my blessings to both of you.

I think I am just temporarily jealous because all the while I was the only one around you. Another girl's appearance actually made me scared of losing you. But I learnt true friendships won't be lose easily, right?

I thought I fall for you, but it was just a wrong feeling I had!!!

So now I know... Why had I let you to have such impact in me.

It was all because of infatuation. I was completely carried away by you, but those strong and intense feelings only lasted for a very short moment...
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I didn't know since when you have such an impact in my life. I didn't know when have I let you entered my heart and my mind, which i have closed up for so many years. I've always thought I treat you the same like the others, not realizing that I've done too much for you. I didn't know that there is another person's existence around you other than me. And when finally this person shows up, I am feeling threatened. I began to worry if I will lose you someday, as I'm not the only one anymore. I could feel my hands shaking and fingers trembling when I saw another person's entering your car. I forced a smile when you saw me too. I couldn't control the shakiness in my voice when you said "Hi" to me. I wasn't sure why was I feeling so anxious, so uneasy... that my heart could burst out any second. I can't really have fall for you, can I? I hope... You didn't notice any of my uncomfortable feelings just now.
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About Me

Hi there! This is a personal space where I pour all my thoughts and mood posts into words. A place of serenity during sleepless midnights, and where I return to look at how far I've come and what had life gave me.



Live well, laugh more, love much. X

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